Wow, where do I begin? I’m going to warn you that nothing I write in this post is planned, so it’s going to be a whole bunch of lengthy rambling. It’s late and I just finished watching Food, Inc, and at this moment in time I am -quite annoyed & disturbed.

Of course I am real annoyed with the way the “food business” works, but I am even more annoyed that I have allowed myself to be ignorant & not more curious as I should have been in finding out where my food comes from. Rewind a few weeks/months back. I had a weekly blog segment on here called “Weight Loss Wednesdays” and haven’t been consistent with it as I promised I would be. People have emailed me and asked why I haven’t been keeping up with Weight Loss Wednesdays anymore and frankly -I’ve been embarrassed. I was doing well for a little while and eating healthier, but depression, stress, & life got a hold of me. It got a hold of me real good.

Depression is something I’ve been dealing with my whole life. I won’t get into the past much in this post, but recently it’s gotten a hold of me not because of Alin or my kids. If I do smile, it’s because of them. This time around, the stress & depression has been coming from working around the clock trying to meet deadlines for clients and really taking on much more than I could handle. I thought I could handle it. But now, I’ve made these promises, and I feel like the people-pleaser in me HAS to follow through with these promises and I am finding that I am failing left and right. I promise a deadline, and next thing you know my heater breaks and I have no heat in my office going on three days now, and so then I can’t edit or order or answer emails in a timely manner because I am freezing my buns off trying to type in 35 degree weather. Then I get the wretched flu, and if my body didn’t force me to lay on the couch because I was so sick, I would’ve tried working through it anyways -’because I have deadlines to meet and clients to please’. Five full days go by, in and out of fevers, and I’m laying down and my body is relaxing but my mind is goin’ a hundred miles an hour. “I have so many orders to place”, “I have to edit 2 weddings by Christmas”, “which night should I down 2 liters of Mountain Dew so that I can pull an all-nighter?”, and it goes on and on and on. Once I’m healthy again, Oliver gets sick, so I’m taking care of him, then Genevieve, and then Charlie, and guess what? Congratulations, I have the worst immune system in the world. So I get sick AGAIN. I’m throwin’ up AND passing out, Alin’s slapping me around trying to get me to wake up, and all the while he’s sick too. And now that things have finally somewhat toned down, healthwise, I am back in the office, full-speed ahead, and all I feel is guilt, shame, and failure.

Guilty that I have the worst immune system. Ashamed that I wasn’t able to work through all that. And failure, because I feel like I should be doing better. Funny, because even though I know that I am trying my very hardest, I somehow still manage to find a way to blame myself for failing.

And I feel like I should point out that I do have the best clients ever, weddings & portraits alike. Everyone has been so patient with me and so understanding. And I even feel guilty for that. I don’t deserve clients like them. God has truly blessed me with the nicest people that I have ever had the pleasure to work with.

Anyway, so that’s off my chest now and yet so off-topic too, but it does lead to a point, I promise. With all the stress in my life of trying to meet deadlines, I having absolutely no time for myself. Believe it or not, I don’t even have time to diet. You’re supposed to eat five smaller meals a day, most importantly breakfast. And yet, I skip breakfast, wait until the kids all go down for their nap, and eat my first (huge) meal around 2 or 3 in the afternoon! Then I get to work while they nap. After they wake up, I try and spend more time with them, and then prepare dinner for the family, which I don’t end up eating much of (pretty much because I am still full from my earlier meal). Then I get really hungry around 11pm and eat another equally huge meal then. I know, right? Totally not good for me! And since we’ve only had one car in our family since May 2008, I haven’t been able to go to the gym much (at all), so that’s also not good. Add a few cups of stress, and you can imagine what this has done to my weight. In my last “Weight Loss Wednesdays” post, I was at 200 lbs, and I find myself now back up to 210 lbs. I’ve gotten comments from people asking me how I could post my weight for everyone to see, and honestly, I am a very candid person and feel very comfortable talking about things I know people want to talk about but are afraid to. I am more than willing to use my life experiences as a testimonial for others.

Anyway, so fast forward to tonight. I was too lazy to make something at home for myself to eat and found myself very hungry. I made Alin go out and buy me some Jack in the Box & pick up a Redbox DVD of Food, Inc. I had heard some good things about it and wanted to see what it was all about. So I’m watching this documentary while chowing down on my Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger & curly fries (and this is even after I had whined to Alin that he didn’t get me the regular order of onion rings too, like I asked.) What a spoiled brat I was tonight. After watching the way pigs & cows were being treated and then the way some of them were slaughtered, I just can’t go on eating the way that I have been anymore. The worst part was listening to the lady talk about her son who had gone from being a healthy three year old boy one day -to dead in twelve days from a hamburger he ate containing E-coli. I don’t let my kids have vaccines, and I have my reasons for that (whole other blog post). But if they are not going to be getting their vaccines, then at least I should be monitoring what goes into their body, right? But I haven’t been. And this documentary just struck a chord with me. I’m not going to get too much in the details of it. You just have to watch for yourself. Al I know, is that I need to get my life back. I need to set goals for myself, and that includes making time for myself, and making time to eat right. Once I can take care of myself, I feel like I can be a better mother, wife, and businesswoman at that.

I’m going to start up Weight Loss Wednesdays again and wil do my best to be consistent with it. And since it’s been a while from my last Weight Loss Wednesday post, I’m just going to start over from scratch this coming up Wednesday. We’ve just bought a truck for Alin, which means I am now keeping the Ford Expedition for me & the kids, which equals YMCA Membership! Yes, folks, I am getting a gym membership to the YMCA, which means I will be going to the gym at least 3 mornings per week with the kids. I will then make time for eating right as well. I have never been a breakfast eater and I know that has to change. I am going to try and change my diet as well as the whole family’s to a healthier one that involves, locally grown food, grass-fed cows and free-range animal meat. In spring, I hope to plant a small vegetable garden in my backyard & also hope to teach my kids where food should come from.

I am not sure why I rambled back and forth about different things tonight, but it’s what has been on my mind & the documentary kind of just shocked me into perspective. 2010 is a new year and I will have to make some changes and hopefully gain my life back.

My photographer friend Cheyenne Schultz , does this thing on her blog where she creates monthly goals of what she would like to achieve for her personal life & business life. And she takes it month by month. I thought it was great that she did that for herself! I want to see if I can do the same thing, post my own monthly goals on here and hold myself accountable by announcing them to my fellow blog readers.

DECEMBER 2009 GOALS:

(personal & business)
1. Finish editing Mackins/Jones Wedding & Events; upload to online proofing gallery
2. Finish editing Giurgiu/Husu Wedding & upload to online proofing gallery
3. Place all orders with holiday deadlines
4. Create updated sample album for January bridal show; order sample album
5. Create media for January bridal show; order them
6. Get all Christmas shopping done
7. Paint kids’ playroom & decorate it
8. Video tape myself, Alin & the kids
9. Takes pictures of myself, Alin, & the kids
10. Make lasagna from scratch using The World’s Best Lasagna Recipe
11. Try acupuncture
12. Switch our diet over to only organics, fair trade, locally-grown, and only free-range meat for myself & the whole family
13. Go to the gym at least 3 mornings a week
14. Blog Recipe Mondays
15. Blog Weight Loss Wednesdays
16. No editing/ordering/email answering from December24-January 3rd; I am allowed to blog, Twitter, or Facebook if it’s personal
17. Start looking into and researching possibly hiring an intern for 2010.

That’s it, for now! I may cross items out as they are completed and I may or may not add or take away from the list if I feel like it

Anyway, for those of you photographers, moms especially, who are simply “burnt out” and “worn out” because you feel like you should be doing it all and being perfect at it all. Just stop. Breathe. Re-evaluate what is really important in your life. You can’t do it all. Either take less work, or hire someone else to take some of the load off of you. That means you, OCD’ers (a.k.a. me). I feel sorry for whoever comes to work with me. Not to scare you off or anything, but when I will be looking into hiring someone, I’m probably going to try and find a clone of someone with my work ethic and style, heeheehee!

If you have read this far, I am impressed that I’ve been able to keep your attention that long, and I apologize for going in every direction with this particular blog entry. It’s almost 2am and at this point, I pretty much just write what’s flashin’ through my head. I would LOVE to hear any thoughts below!! ‘Night peeps!

Watch this Food, Inc trailer.